It’s common knowledge that we should speak to our elders with respect, especially our parents. However, sometimes, we say things to them that we don’t realize could come across as upsetting. To help you avoid this situation, here are 17 phrases you should think twice before saying to your elderly parents.
“I’ve Heard This Before”
There’s no denying that older people sometimes repeat themselves, but mentioning that a story has been repeated can come across as hurtful. Elders often repeat themselves for various reasons, including nostalgia or, as AgingCare points out, cognitive changes such as Alzheimer’s. So, rather than pointing out the repetition, listening with patience and interest can show respect and appreciation, even if you’ve heard it all before.
“That’s Not Something You Should Be Doing”
When you imply that age limits what someone can or can’t do, it can be discouraging. Encouragement is far more beneficial than focusing on limitations. Supporting your parents in their interests or activities while being mindful of safety concerns is far more positive than telling them they shouldn’t do something.
“Are You Sure You Should Eat That?”
While it probably comes from the right place, criticizing your elderly parents’ dietary choices may come off as condescending. Decades of life experience have taught your parents how to make decisions about their health and nutrition. If there are concerns, suggesting healthier options in a positive way can be more effective than outright questioning their choices.
“You’re Slowing Down”
Sadly, getting older is synonymous with slowing down, so there’s no reason to point out your elder parents’ decrease in speed or agility, as they’re no doubt painfully aware of it. Be patient and understanding for their slowness, and this will go a long way in maintaining their self-esteem.
“That’s Not How It Happened”
Nobody likes to be corrected about details when they get things confused, as it can lead to frustration or embarrassment. Sadly, this is all too common with elders, especially those with dementia, so if the mix-up isn’t harmful, letting it go or gently guiding the conversation in another direction can be kinder. The focus should be on understanding their perspective rather than emphasizing accuracy in every detail.
“You’re Not Active Enough”
Exercise is crucial, especially for older people, but pushing someone to do more might feel like criticism. A better approach is to invite your parents to join you in activities like walking or stretching. Highlighting the fun and shared time together can motivate them more than pointing out that they aren’t active enough.
“It’s Time to Stop Living Alone”
Telling parents they can no longer live independently can feel like a loss of autonomy. So, instead of making it an outright statement, try to have a conversation about safety, well-being, and potential alternatives, which shows understanding and care. Including them in the decision-making process respects their need for independence rather than ordering how they should live their life.
“Why Don’t You Remember That?”
Memory lapses can be a sensitive topic, and pointing them out can cause anxiety or shame. Instead of asking why your old parents don’t remember something, gently remind them without making it a big deal, and they’ll no doubt appreciate it.
“You Need Help with That”
Obviously, offering help is generally well-intentioned, but telling your parents that they need it can make them feel incapable. A more respectful approach is to offer assistance without implying they can’t do something themselves. Consider phrasing it as a shared activity or something you enjoy doing together, helping to make it feel less like a necessity.
“Don’t Worry About That”
Dismissing concerns as unimportant can be frustrating for anyone, especially when someone is older and full of life experience. So, even if your parents’ worry seems trivial, acknowledging it and discussing possible solutions can be more reassuring. Showing that their concerns are taken seriously, no matter how small, helps maintain a sense of dignity and validates their feelings.
“You’re Just Being Paranoid”
It’s never wise to dismiss someone’s feelings of worry or fear as paranoia because this can invalidate genuine concerns. Older adults may experience anxiety about changes in their health, environment, or the world around them. It’s going to be far more helpful to listen and discuss their feelings openly rather than brushing them off as irrational or unfounded.
“You Don’t Need That”
You should never tell your parents they don’t need something that they want, as it can feel dismissive of their desires or needs. Discussing the reasons behind their desires can lead to a better understanding and more respectful conversation; whether it’s an item, a hobby, or an experience, it’s important to consider their perspective.
“That’s Not How We Do It Now”
Changes in technology or culture can be challenging to navigate, so pointing this out will only make your parents feel out of touch. Instead of focusing on how things are done differently now, offer to show them how it’s done or work together on adapting to new methods. If they want to adopt the new way, they will.
“That’s Not Your Decision Anymore”
Just because you’ve grown older, this doesn’t mean that taking control away from your parents is appropriate. It can be deeply hurtful, so even if decisions need to be made for their well-being, involving them in the process and discussing options together respects their autonomy.
“Why Are You So Stubborn?”
Another phrase you should think twice about before saying to your elderly parents is the question, “Why are you so stubborn?” Labeling behavior as stubbornness can strain relationships because, often, what seems like stubbornness is rooted in fear, pride, or a desire for independence.
“You’re Acting Like a Child”
It should go without saying that comparing elderly parents to children can be degrading and dismissive. They have a lifetime of experience and deserve to be treated with respect, regardless of any difficulties they may be facing. It’s sad that seniors do become less independent, but that’s no reason to label them as child-like.
“That’s Not Important Right Now”
When your elderly parents’ concerns are dismissed as unimportant, it can feel like their opinions and feelings don’t matter. Even if the issue seems minor, taking the time to listen and discuss it shows that you value their perspective. Validation of their concerns helps maintain a sense of worth and importance, so do your best to be patient, regardless of what their concern or request is.