Suspecting that your partner may be unfaithful can be an incredibly distressing experience, filled with intense emotions like anger, sadness, and confusion. During such a challenging time, it’s crucial to approach the situation carefully to avoid actions that could escalate the situation or lead to further regret. This list explores some frequent missteps people often make when they suspect infidelity, offering insights on how to navigate these difficult circumstances more thoughtfully.
Seeking Revenge
Seeking revenge can be highly tempting as a reaction to the hurt and anger caused by infidelity, but it can be detrimental to both sides of the partnership. Spreading rumors, publicly shaming them, destroying their property, or being deliberately hurtful will only fuel the negativity and toxicity. Focus on your own healing and try to process your emotions more healthily.
Spying and Snooping
The urge to monitor your partner’s phone, social media, or emails might seem tempting, but this betrayal of trust may harm your relationship, particularly if your suspicions are proven to be unfounded. Evolve Therapy warns that doing so can make you no better than a cheater, so try open communication instead, expressing your concerns with honesty.
Issuing Ultimatums
Anger and betrayal can often lead to you making threats, demands, and ultimatums—but making the situation more confrontational isn’t the best idea. Instead, focus on expressing your needs and feelings calmly and assertively without making wild promises of revenge or punishment, which will only serve to make you seem vengeful and bitter.
Blaming and Shaming
Even if your suspicions are confirmed, blaming your partner or attempting to shame them will likely shut down communication and lessen the chances of reconciliation. Focus on your feelings and reactions to their behavior rather than personal attacks on their character. This is the only way you’ll be able to move forward.
Reacting Impulsively
VeryWell Mind doesn’t recommend that either the cheater or the betrayed act impulsively during times of suspicion or accusation. Try to remain calm and rational—think things through carefully before you take action, particularly extreme acts like filing for divorce, throwing them out, or leaving. Processing the betrayal will take time and patience from you both.
Ignoring the Signs
While it’s important not to jump to conclusions, ignoring blatant red flags can leave you stuck in a relationship that makes you feel worthless, tricked, and unloved. SELF.com warns against signs such as intense privacy, sudden lack of intimacy, evasiveness, excessive gifts, and unexplained absences. Pay attention to these indicators and always ask directly for an explanation.
Comparing Yourself to Others
Cheating is rarely the entire fault of one partner or the other but a symptom of underlying relationship problems. But that doesn’t mean you should start comparing your personality or appearance to others. Doing so is pointless and will only exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. Take time to remind yourself of your positive attributes instead.
Dragging Up the Past
In the heat of a betrayal, it can be tempting to add fuel to the fire by bringing up past events or infidelities, but this is neither productive nor relevant. Avoid dwelling on the past and stick to the problem at hand—this is the only way to make progress and rebuild trust. If your partner displays a pattern of betrayals, you may want to consider ending the relationship or seeking counseling.
Publicly Shaming Your Partner
Publicly shaming your partner or the suspected third party on social media or through shared friends and acquaintances can be counter-intuitive and turn you into the villain. If you want to repair the relationship or share children or property, there may be significant consequences to such actions, as well as legal repercussions, depending on the nature of the information shared.
Seeking Support From Volatile Individuals
If you have a friend who’s constantly having relationship problems, is volatile, or is highly emotional, avoid confiding in them about your suspicions or relationship issues. Such people can fan the flames, unnecessarily inflating your concerns and generating drama. Instead, get support from people who are in healthy, stable, long-term relationships.
Contacting the Other Person
Unless the third party is a close friend or relative, the betrayal is between you and your partner, so don’t be tempted to vent your anger on a stranger who may not even know about you. The List claims contacting people connected to an affair is a big mistake and often leads to misunderstandings and incorrectly directed anger.
Testing Your Partner
Psychological mind games or pass/fail tests of your partner’s honesty or commitment aren’t a healthy, mature way to deal with suspected infidelity. Business Insider warns against such deceitful methods of ‘catching someone out’ as they can provide inaccurate results. Use direct, open communication instead of resorting to childish tests.
Neglecting Self-Care
It may be tempting to stop taking care of yourself in light of infidelity, but neglecting your personal appearance and favorite pastimes will only make you feel worse. Force yourself to shower, dress well, eat healthily, and remain engaged in your normal activities. Otherwise, you will feel even more worthless and devoid of self-esteem.
Jumping to Conclusions
Remember, suspicions don’t equate to concrete evidence of infidelity. Everyday Health recommends being direct and calm and giving your partner the chance to explain. They may have a reasonable, provable explanation, so don’t damage your relationship by shouting accusations that may be based on a simple coincidence or misunderstanding.
Dwelling on Negative Thoughts
Talking it out calmly and rationally is essential and much preferable to replaying negative thoughts or imagining painful betrayals in your mind. Dwelling on the worst-case scenario can make the situation worse, fueling your anxiety and pain without proper evidence. Prioritize self-care and friendships to help you cope with dark thoughts.
Confronting Them When Drunk
If you have suspicions of infidelity, the only time to confront your partner is when you are both rested, calm, and sober—never begin such a conversation when inebriated, exhausted, stressed, or under the influence of drugs. You need to be clear, rational, and measured, so ensure your emotional state is appropriately stable when you voice your concerns.
Isolating Yourself
Withdrawing from friends and family during this challenging time can be tempting, particularly if seeing those close to you will prompt painful discussions. Brides warns that this isn’t a healthy approach and recommends seeking help, support, and guidance from those you trust or even professional relationship counselors.
Requesting Details
If your suspicions were not unfounded, you may feel the need to know every sordid detail as an instantaneous reaction to being lied to and duped. While certain facts may have to be divulged, don’t insist on knowing every painful detail of an affair or infidelity, as this will only cause you lasting pain and be a potential source of unhealthy obsession.