When someone you care about is dealing with mental illness or even a stranger who is struggling, your words can have a huge impact. Some phrases, even when spoken with the best intentions, can hurt more than help. Here’s a guide to what not to say, along with some insights to help you better support them in a meaningful way.
“It’s all in your head.”
Saying “it’s all in your head” might seem like a way to remind someone of their own strength, but it usually comes across as dismissive when you should remember that mental illnesses are complex and involve real changes in brain chemistry, emotions, and physical sensations. Even if their struggle isn’t visible, it’s very real to them.
“Snap out of it.”
Struggling mentally is not about willpower or choice—it’s a deeply personal battle that can’t be switched off like a light. Recovery is a journey, and they need patience and understanding from those around them, so instead of urging them to “snap out of it,” ask what you can do to help or simply remind them that it’s okay to not feel okay.
“Everyone feels like this sometimes.”
While it’s true that everyone has bad days or moments of stress, comparing those everyday struggles to things like depression and anxiety can unintentionally minimise what they’re going through when their experience is likely far more overwhelming and persistent than a passing mood. Saying, “I can see you’re going through something really tough, and I’m here for you,” validates their feelings without dismissing them.
“You’re being dramatic.”
Ask questions like, “Can you tell me more about what’s been on your mind?” if you want to appear understanding rather than judgemental because that’s exactly what calling someone dramatic implies. It might make them feel ashamed or like they’re overreacting, even if their emotions are valid.
“Just think positive.”
It’s tempting to encourage positivity, especially when you’re trying to help someone feel better, yet for someone with a mental illness, this suggestion can feel like a dismissal of their very real pain. Mental health challenges often require more than just positive thinking—they may need therapy, medication, or a supportive environment.
“Why are you letting this bother you?”
This question can come across as critical as if they’re choosing to feel upset when battling with your mental health isn’t about being unable to “let things go”—it’s often about deeper emotional or physiological struggles that are beyond their control. Try focusing on how you can help as an alternative to focusing on why they’re struggling.
“You have so much to be grateful for.”
Remember, while gratitude is important, pointing it out when someone is in the depths of a mental crisis can make them feel even worse thanks to the fact that it can sound like you’re suggesting they’re ungrateful. Illnesses don’t discriminate; they affect people regardless of how much they have to be thankful for.
“Stop being so negative.”
If you want to encourage someone to stop being negative, try saying, “It seems like you’re having a hard time right now—want to talk about it?” instead, as this shows empathy without criticising their emotional state.
In contrast, “stop being so negative” can make someone feel like their emotions are a problem, which may discourage them from sharing in the future.
“Other people have it worse.”
Comparisons like this rarely help and often make people feel guilty or invalidated, even though it’s true that others may face different challenges. But this reality doesn’t diminish what they’re going through, as struggles with mental health are deeply personal, and their feelings are just as valid.
“You’re too sensitive.”
When someone is choosing to open up about an already difficult issue, you shouldn’t then call them overly-sensitive—it can feel dismissive and even hurtful. Sensitivity often comes with a heightened awareness of emotions, and it’s not something they can just switch off just because you’ve asked them to.
“A good night’s sleep will fix it.”
Yes, sleep is crucial for good mental and physical health, and it can help combined with a variety of approaches, such as therapy, medication, and self-care, while sleep itself it’s the be-all cure. A more compassionate response might be, “I know rest can help, but I also know there’s a lot more to this.”
“But you don’t look sick.”
Let’s remember that mental illness struggles, while they can affect physical appearance, such as looking tired or losing weight, are in the mind, so they’re likely not visible. Suggesting someone needs to look sick in order to “prove” their struggles is something you should avoid, owing to the fact that it can add an unnecessary layer of stress to an already difficult situation.
“Cheer up—it’s not that bad.”
Conditions like depression often involve feelings of hopelessness that can’t simply be shaken off just because you told them to “cheer up”, and doing so might feel like a way to inject positivity into the conversation, but it can come across as patronising. It can also feel extremely dismissive to the person suffering.
“You just need to get out more.”
You should try to put the focus on their needs rather than assumptions, which is why avoiding “you just need to get out more” is a good call. Yes, fresh air and socialising can indeed help some people, but not all, and it’s not a magic solution to this kind of struggle.
Saying this can also make them feel like they’re at fault because they simply didn’t go for a walk.
“Don’t be so lazy.”
Mental health problems can rapidly drain someone’s energy and motivation, making even small tasks feel overwhelming, therefore calling them lazy adds unnecessary guilt to the mix and can make them feel even more stuck. A more helpful approach is to offer encouragement, or help them do tasks that might otherwise feel overwhelming.
“This is just a phase.”
Some conditions can last for years, or even lifetimes, and labelling a mental health problem as a phase they will soon snap out of is insensitive—it doesn’t help. Mental illness doesn’t usually have a quick fix, and telling them it’s a phase can invalidate their pain.
“You’re overthinking it.”
Overthinking can be a symptom of anxiety or other mental health conditions, and pointing it out might make someone feel even more self-conscious, even if they’re very much aware they’re overthinking things. Be sure to let them know it’s okay to share their worries with you.
“You’ve been like this for too long.”
And finally: be aware that recovery is different for everyone and often doesn’t follow a straight path, so you shouldn’t focus on the length of time. Put that energy into being a steady source of support by saying things like, “I know this has been a tough journey. I’ll be here every step of the way.”