In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need to be concerned about crossing paths with narcissistic individuals who have harmful intentions. However, the reality is that many manipulative people employ a range of covert tactics to exert control over others. To assist you in recognizing the red flags early on, here’s a list of 18 common strategies used by narcissists to manipulate and control those around them.
Feigning Victimhood to Gain Sympathy
You may imagine narcissists to be openly grandiose, prideful, and confident at all times. But in reality, many narcissists intentionally portray themselves as vulnerable victims in an attempt to gain sympathy, support, and control over you. According to Psychology Today, some narcissists also genuinely see themselves as victims because they are hypersensitive to criticism, lacking in empathy, and set unrealistic expectations for those around them.
Dismissing and Belittling Your Accomplishments
In a healthy relationship, both parties will celebrate each other’s achievements and be there for support in times of difficulty. But unfortunately, narcissists will often minimize your positive attributes and accomplishments to reduce your sense of self-confidence and self-worth. This is a control tactic that keeps you feeling dependent on their validation.
Gaslighting to Erode Your Reality
Perhaps the most famous tactic employed by narcissists is gaslighting. Verywell Mind defines gaslighting as a covert form of emotional manipulation that attempts to create a false narrative and make the target question their reality. If you notice that someone in your life is denying your experiences or feelings or insisting things happened that you know didn’t happen, it’s likely they’re trying to control you.
Love Bombing to Gain Your Trust
Love bombing refers to the abusive pattern of excessively flattering or treating someone before suddenly withdrawing affection or attention. By initially overwhelming you with compliments and gifts, the narcissist will create a strong emotional bond. When they suddenly go cold on you, this often creates confusion and dependency that furthers the abuser’s sense of control.
Triangulation to Foster Jealousy
It’s normal to feel a little jealous sometimes, but you should never intentionally use people to invoke jealousy in your significant other. Unfortunately, this is exactly what many narcissists do. They may compare you to others or intentionally create scenarios where you feel like you need to compete with another person to win their approval.
Isolation from Support Systems
As noted by Psych Central, another common abusive tactic used by narcissists involves separating you from your support system. They might insist that you spend more time with them than anyone else and express jealousy, anger, or sadness when you choose to socialize with someone else. If you feel like you’re being guilted for maintaining healthy relationships with friends and family members, they may be trying to control you.
Projection of Their Faults onto You
Whether they’re fully conscious of it or not, narcissists have many destructive traits that can be extremely damaging to those around them. But instead of owning up to these faults, they may try to control you by accusing you of the very abusive behaviors or tactics they’re using themselves.
Withholding Affection as Punishment
When you’re not acting how a narcissist wants you to act, they may resort to tactics such as the silent treatment and a complete withdrawal of affection. This is their way of punishing you for “bad behavior,” while they may begin to reward you for “good behavior” again once you give them whatever they want.
Using Financial Control
Narcissists will employ many different kinds of abuse to gain a sense of power and control, including financial abuse. For example, they may attempt to gain control over your finances by spending or withdrawing money on your behalf or pushing for joint bank accounts. This can create an unhealthy sense of dependency and enmeshment.
Exploiting Your Fears and Insecurities
While people with a healthy amount of empathy will be mindful not to trigger your fears and insecurities, narcissists will often do the exact opposite. They see these traits as weaknesses they can exploit to belittle or humiliate you, creating a sense of self-doubt and dependency on their validation.
Shifting Goalposts to Keep You Unbalanced
Speaking of unrealistic expectations, narcissists are known to frequently shift their expectations and rules to keep you feeling like you need to please them. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, your efforts are never good enough for your partner or friend, it’s likely they’re trying to control you.
Silent Treatment as Emotional Blackmail
As mentioned previously, narcissists commonly use emotional withdrawal to “punish” their partners for going against their wishes. This can also involve using the silent treatment as emotional blackmail, forcing you to either apologize and seek reconciliation or continue feeling isolated and unheard.
Hypercriticism to Erode Self-Esteem
Friends and partners should build each other up, not tear each other down. If you notice that someone in your life is always focusing on your flaws and mistakes, it’s possible that they’re intentionally eroding your self-esteem to manipulate and gain control over you.
Hoovering to Prevent Your Departure
According to Cleveland Clinic, “hoovering” is a narcissistic tactic that involves sucking someone back in when they’re on the verge of leaving. If a narcissist senses that you’re getting tired of their abusive behavior, they may start love bombing you or making grand promises to change their ways. However, if you decide to stay, they will quickly resume their abusive habits.
Smear Campaigns to Isolate You
Narcissists will sometimes start a smear campaign to tarnish your reputation and isolate you from your support system. If you find out that your friend or partner has been spreading lies or exaggerated stories about you behind your back, it’s likely that they’re trying to control you.
Boundary Violation to Disempower You
Mature people with a high level of emotional intelligence understand the importance of setting and respecting boundaries. But narcissists commonly see boundaries as a challenge to their control and power. Therefore, instead of respecting them, they may attempt to undermine and dismiss your boundaries to gain more control over you.
Intermittent Reinforcement to Create Addiction
Narcissists know that by switching from praise to punishment or love bombing to emotional neglect, they can create a psychological addiction that always keeps you coming back. This can make it feel much harder to leave the relationship, increasing their power and control over you.
Intellectual Belittlement to Undermine Confidence
Even if a narcissist isn’t particularly intelligent, they can make you feel like they’re far smarter than you. They may portray themselves as an expert in certain areas and question your intelligence at any given opportunity. This may make you question yourself and cause you to feel inferior to them, increasing their control over you.