Growing up, our parents told us many things, often with the best intentions. They aimed to prepare us for the world and protect us from harm. However, some of the advice and lessons passed down, although well-meaning, can be surprisingly toxic. Here are 18 common things your parents might have told you that actually weren’t as helpful as they seemed.
“You’re Too Sensitive”
“Most children are born emotionally sensitive by nature,” according to Parents, and labelling a child as “too sensitive” dismisses their feelings and teaches them to doubt their emotional responses. This can lead to self-esteem issues and a reluctance to share their feelings, fearing they will be judged or dismissed, when instead validating a child’s feelings helps them develop a healthy relationship with their emotions.
“Big Boys/Girls Don’t Cry”
The classic phrase “big boys/girls don’t cry” intended to encourage resilience, but can actually be quite harmful because it suggests that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, especially for boys. Teaching children to suppress their emotions can lead to emotional detachment and difficulty in processing feelings as adults.
“Because I Said So”
How many times did you hear “because I said so” when questioning a rule or decision? This phrase shuts down any possibility for dialogue and critical thinking. Instead of explaining the reasoning behind their decisions, parents who use this phrase often inadvertently teach their children not to question authority.
“It’s Not a Big Deal”
When parents tell their children that something isn’t a big deal, they may be trying to offer perspective; however, this approach can invalidate the child’s experiences and feelings. What may seem minor to an adult can feel monumental to a child, after all.
“You Should Be Grateful”
While gratitude is an important value, using it to dismiss a child’s complaints or desires can be toxic, so telling children they should be grateful when they express dissatisfaction can make them feel guilty for having needs and wants. It’s important to teach gratitude without using it as a tool to silence legitimate feelings or desires.
“You’ll Understand When You’re Older”
The phrase “you’ll understand when you’re older” can make children feel their thoughts and feelings are not taken seriously because of their age. It creates a barrier between parents and children, suggesting that understanding and communication are only possible once the child reaches a certain age.
“Boys Will Be Boys”
Often used to excuse inappropriate or aggressive behaviour in boys, “boys will be boys” perpetuates harmful gender stereotypes and implies that boys are naturally unruly or incapable of controlling their actions. This can lead to a lack of accountability and respect for others; all children, regardless of gender, should be taught to behave responsibly.
“You’ll Never Succeed If You Don’t Try Harder”
While encouraging hard work is important, the statement “you’ll never succeed if you don’t try harder” can place undue pressure on children and make them feel that their worth is tied to their achievements. It can also lead to a fear of failure, making them reluctant to try new things.
“Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry in Public”
The advice not to “air your dirty laundry in public” stems from a desire to maintain privacy, but it can also teach children to keep their problems to themselves. It can discourage seeking help or discussing issues with trusted friends or professionals, leading to feelings of isolation, when it’s important for children to know that it’s okay to seek support.
“Stop Being So Dramatic”
Dismissing a child’s emotions as dramatic can make them feel misunderstood and undervalued, and it furthermore teaches them to suppress their emotions, leading to difficulties in expressing themselves later in life. Encouraging children to articulate their feelings helps them develop emotional intelligence and healthy communication skills.
“Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees”
While it’s true that money requires effort to earn, saying that it “doesn’t grow on trees” can create a sense of scarcity and fear around finances, and it can lead to anxiety about money. Teaching children about financial literacy, budgeting, and the value of money without instilling fear can help them think better about finances.
“Do as I Say, Not as I Do”
Undermining the importance of leading by example, “do as I say, not as I do,” forgets that children learn by observing their parents’ actions, and when there’s a discrepancy between what parents say and do, it can create confusion. Consistency in words and actions helps build a foundation of trust.
“You Should Know Better”
It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect children to know better without guidance, so saying that they should often assumes that a child has the experience or knowledge that they may not possess. Instead of making assumptions, parents should take the time to teach and guide their children.
“Life Isn’t Fair”
While life does have its unfair moments, constantly reminding children of this can lead to cynicism and a sense of helplessness when it’s more constructive to teach children about resilience and problem-solving. Encouraging them to strive for justice and equity can help them become proactive.
“You’re Just Like Your Mother/Father”
Comparing a child to another parent, especially in a negative context, can be damaging. It can create identity issues and affect the child’s self-esteem; every individual is unique, and comparisons can make a child feel they are living in someone else’s shadow.
“Don’t Talk Back”
If you’re discouraging children from expressing their opinions, it can hinder their communication skills and confidence, and while it’s important to teach respect, children should also be encouraged to voice their thoughts. Open dialogue means mutual respect and helps children develop their communication.
“You’re Fine”
Telling children they are fine when they express pain or discomfort can invalidate their feelings and experiences, and it furthermore teaches them to ignore their discomforts. This can be harmful in the long run, when instead, acknowledging their feelings helps them understand their bodies and emotions.
“Just Ignore It”
While ignoring minor annoyances can sometimes be a useful strategy, it’s not always the best advice. Telling children to ignore bullying or unfair treatment can teach them to tolerate abuse and not stand up for themselves. It’s important to teach children how to address conflicts and seek help when needed.