Society is becoming more accepting and inclusive of the LGBTQ+ community, especially transgender individuals. Despite this positive shift, people still sometimes say things that can be unintentionally harmful or offensive. If you’re worried about making such mistakes, here are 18 things you should avoid saying to transgender people.
Misunderstanding Their Pronoun Preferences
If you’re not sure what pronouns someone prefers, it’s best to ask politely rather than assuming and getting it wrong. As noted by the Shipley School, even if you do this accidentally, it can still feel hurtful and invalidating. On the other hand, regularly using someone’s correct pronouns showcases your respect for and acceptance of them.
Assuming They Want to Talk About Being Transgender
Transgender people have usually put plenty of thought and effort into their gender journeys. However, that doesn’t mean that all they want to talk about is being transgender. Remember that being trans is just one small part of their identity, and they’ll have plenty of interests, hobbies, and passions they may much prefer to discuss.
Asking About Their “Real Name”
Transgender people often choose to change their name to something that better suits their gender identity. As noted by the UC Davis LGBTQIA Resource Center, while some people may be curious about their old name, it is considered inappropriate and disrespectful to ask about their “real name.” Their real name is their new, chosen name, and it can feel invalidating and rude to be told otherwise.
Questioning Their “Real” Gender
Unfortunately, a lot of people are still fixated on the idea that transgender people are invalid because their gender identity is not their “real” gender. It’s important to remember that while you cannot change your biological sex, your gender identity is real and valid and doesn’t always line up properly with the body you were born into.
Using Terms Like “It” or “Thing”
It should go without saying that you should never refer to a transgender person with language like “it” or “thing.” This will usually come off as extremely disrespectful and dehumanizing, implying that you don’t even view them as human beings. If you’re unsure about their pronouns, you can politely ask which they prefer.
Referring to Being Transgender as a Phase
You should never tell a transgender person that their gender identity is “just a phase.” Only the individual in question knows what’s right and best for them, so it’s disrespectful to imply that you know better. Gender identity is a fundamental aspect of one’s self and individuality, not just a phase.
Making Assumptions About Sexual Orientation
Some people aren’t very well informed about the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. As stated by the Human Rights Campaign, it’s important to remember that these two aspects of a person are different and independent, meaning that a trans person can identify as straight, gay, bisexual, or otherwise, just like anyone else. Never assume a transgender person’s sexual orientation or ask them about it simply because they’re trans.
Commenting on How “Convincing” They Are
You may have good intentions in telling a transgender person that their appearance or mannerisms are “convincing” to you, but this comes with the harmful implication that they’re putting on an act and deceiving others. It’s much better to compliment someone the same as you would anyone else without mentioning their gender identity.
Joking About Gender Identity
Some people like to joke and banter about many different topics, and that’s okay. However, directly joking about someone’s gender identity can come across as though you’re mocking them and trivializing their experience. It’s usually best to avoid potentially harmful jokes about gender when in their presence.
Questioning Their Decision to Transition
You should never question a transgender person’s decision to transition. This can feel incredibly invalidating and imply that you’re doubting their own identity and needs. While it can be healthy for people to talk through their thoughts and feelings about their gender expression, it’s much better to let them initiate and remain open, respectful, and validating.
Suggesting They Are Just Confused
Never tell a transgender person that you think they’re just confused. This is a surefire way to make them feel dismissed, invalidated, and misunderstood. Remember that people who take the step to transition have typically experienced years of questioning and reflecting on their own gender identity, so they know better than anybody else.
Inquiring About Surgical Status
It’s normal to be curious about possible surgical procedures people may have had, but according to GLAAD, it’s best not to ask. It can feel intrusive, rude, and like a breach of their privacy. Many transgender people also struggle to afford surgeries they may wish to have in the future, so it can be a sensitive subject for several reasons.
Discussing Gender with Overly Personal Questions
Most people don’t like overly personal questions, including transgender individuals. While it’s normal to feel curious, this doesn’t entitle you to know any details about their private life or gender journey. Be sure to respect their boundaries and never push if they say that they’re uncomfortable with a question or conversation topic.
Asking to See Before and After Photos
Gender identity journeys can feel very painful and conflicting at times, especially when one’s physical body doesn’t reaffirm one’s internal sense of self. Therefore, most transgender people won’t appreciate being asked to show anyone “before and after” pictures, as this can feel exploitative and bring up negative feelings.
Praising Them for Being Brave
Most people compliment transgender people for being brave out of a place of love or care. However, some trans individuals find that this comment actually emphasizes how abnormal their experience is. Remember that being transgender is not primarily about being brave; it’s about being true to yourself.
Assuming All Transgender People Share the Same Experiences
No two individuals are exactly the same, so you should never assume that transgender people are, either. Every trans person is going through their own unique journey and has their own opinions and preferences, so you shouldn’t make comments that imply their experience is definitely the same as anyone else’s.
Suggesting Their Life Would Be Easier If They Weren’t Transgender
There’s rarely any good that can come out of telling a trans individual that their life would be easier if they simply weren’t transgender. Being transgender is not a choice or something that can simply be undone; it is a fundamental part of who they are, not something they can change.
Asking About Hormone Treatments
It’s okay to be curious about a transgender person’s potential hormone treatments, but sometimes this line of questioning can feel invasive and disrespectful. Of course, if they decide to start a conversation about the subject themselves, you’re welcome to engage and ask questions respectfully and politely.